Read this article published in Le Cercle Psy .

Welcome to the (wonderful) world of « positive » education, also known as non-violent or democratic education, an educational style rooted in current scientific data including positive, developmental and behavioral psychology, attachment theory and neuroscience. Follow the guide!

Its aim is to dust off the authoritarian educational models of our ancestors. Don’t worry, positive parenting doesn’t aim to make you perfect parents – there’s no such thing (except perhaps the Ingalls family from Little House on the Prairie) – or to relax everyday rules. No, the aim is to set the educational framework in a non-violent way, in line with scientific data and children’s rights. Who’s up for the challenge? Here are the top 10 values.

1) Identify unmet needs

Identifying a child’s unsatisfied needs (the need to rest, to eat, to be calm, to move, to connect with an adult…) enables us to propose a more appropriate response, and thus to limit the frequency of « maladaptive » behaviors such as tantrums, or expressions of verbal or physical aggression. It’s a bit like turning down the gas rather than putting a lid on a pot of boiling milk!

It’s important to remember that cravings (e.g. for chocolate) are not the same thing as needs (e.g. the need to eat). Democratic education aims to satisfy children’s needs, not their cravings.

2) Don’t overreact

In a crisis situation, instead of retaliating on the spot and escalating into violence, give yourself a break. If you can’t isolate yourself, you can count to 10 or take a few abdominal breaths. This distance (physical and psychological) allows you to disconnect from your emotions and reconnect with your reasoning, so you can offer a more pedagogical response. « Okay, you see, I’m very angry myself. I suggest we leave it at that for the moment, take a little break, and talk about the problem again when we’ve both calmed down ».

3) Avoid punishment

Punishments enable parents to assert their dominance at the time, and thus relieve themselves, but they have no educational value for the child. Not only do they gradually lose their dissuasive effect and damage the relationship between child and adult, but above all they don’t teach the child to act differently. When your child behaves inappropriately, teach him the opposite positive behavior, i.e. what you want him to do. For example: if your child has just snatched a toy from another child’s hands, teach him to ask for the toy instead of snatching it, and show him how. When he does it right, encourage him (what psychologists call positive reinforcement) to increase the frequency of this appropriate behavior (asking for the toy) and decrease the frequency of the inappropriate behavior (snatching the toy).

4) Encourage and value

« Encouragement is to a child what water is to a plant », said Austrian psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs. For children – as for adults – encouragement and appreciation are a powerful driving force, a kind of emotional nourishment that helps develop self-esteem and confidence in one’s abilities, and thus enables one to keep up one’s efforts. « You’ve done really well revising your maths test this weekend, whatever mark you get, you can be proud of yourself! »

5) Give preventive hugs

Tender times help reduce stress and increase your child’s sense of well-being. Don’t hesitate to offer him one as soon as you feel he’s nervous, agitated or tired, after a long day at school for example or, why not, during a conflict between you. His reaction might surprise you! « How about a big cuddle to recharge the batteries before preparing dinner and looking at homework?

6) Give him a little leeway

Instead of imposing your choice on the child (which is likely to result in refusal), it’s more strategic and supportive to give him a limited choice, so that he can experience power and mobilize his reasoning. Giving the child a choice is identified by research as a « favorable antecedent » that will increase the child’s degree of cooperation. « It’s time to go to school. Would you rather go with your green sandals or your red shoes? It’s up to you!

7) Lead by example

Adults are a child’s first social-emotional role models. Make sure you control your own behavior and set an example: verbalize your emotions, don’t give in to anger or physical or verbal violence: « Now you see, I’m sad and probably a little discouraged because you didn’t want to taste the dish I prepared for you when I was so hoping to please you! If you find it too difficult to regulate your own emotions, it may be worth seeking professional advice.

8) Be empathetic
Show empathy by expressing to your child that you understand how he or she feels, bearing in mind that understanding a reaction does not mean excusing it. A child who feels listened to will be better able to listen to you afterwards. « I know you’re very angry because your sister took that red truck, your favorite toy… But you’re not allowed to hit her, just as she’s not allowed to hit you – it’s forbidden!

9) Give him a daily attention span

Every day, set aside 10 to 30 minutes (depending on your child’s age and
attention span) during which you can devote your undivided attention to your child, without answering the phone or responding to calls from siblings.
. This can be
a time for reading, singing, telling each other about the day’s events, highlights and emotions, and so on.

10) Use your sense of humour!

Humor brings lightness to everyday life and to the problems we face. Teach your child to smile or laugh at many thorny situations: « I’m the werewolf who devours all children who leave their socks lying around on the sofa! » or « Do you want to hit your brother? Why don’t you turn him into a funny toad with green skin and big legs? Of course, remind him that some events need to be treated seriously!

Please note! Everything we’ve just said is an educational ideal towards which we must strive on a daily basis. However, we mustn’t forget that there is a big gap between theory and practice, between the ideal parent we want to become and the parent we actually are. This gap is normal. No parent is perfect. Doing your best without putting too much pressure on yourself will be a good start. And if you ever feel you’re having too much trouble as a parent, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. May the force be with you!

Héloïse Junier

To find out more :

Guedeney, N., L’attachement. Un lien vital, Fabert, 2011.
Junier, H. (2022). Manuel de survie des parents. Décrypter et accompagner l’enfant de 0 à 6
. Dunod.
Junier, H. (2021). Ma vie de bébé. De 0 à 3 ans, les mystères de son petit cerveau en
développement. Dunod.
Junier, H. (2023). Ma vie d’enfant. Des clés pour accompagner mon enfant de 3 à 10 ans.
Dunod Graphic.
Kazdin, A. (2023). Eduquer sans s’épuiser! Tools for a positive education that sets
limits.
Serres, J. and Schuhl, C. (2015). Petite enfance: (Re)construire les pratiques grâce aux
neurosciences. Chronique sociale.
Serres, J and Fontaine, A-M. (2020). Et si on revisitait certaines idées sur les jeunes enfants?
Chronique sociale.