This is the story of Marie, a little girl born under X, who is immediately entrusted to a Parisian nursery. It’s also the story of Simone, a woman eager to raise and cherish a child, but unable to give birth. Their paths cross when the authorities grant Simone and her partner the right to adopt Marie. She was just under 2 years old at the time. That was almost thirty years ago.For ten years, I tried to get pregnant, but to no avail, » says Simone. I even underwent psychotherapy to help me cope. My husband and I decided to adopt. And two and a half months after Marie came into our lives, I was pregnant with a girl! Incredible but true! Her adoption had been a positive trigger. I remember the social worker was distraught and asked me if I’d consider adopting Marie anyway. Of course, giving her up was out of the question.  »

Marie says: « I spent my first two years in a Paris nursery, where the nurses took good care of me. They even took photos of me, which I was able to get back later, a chance that not all babies had. I have a few images to remember my years there, the corridors, the color of the walls, the park, a Christmas tree… So nobody had to explain to me that I was adopted, because I knew I’d changed « family » when my parents were able to have me…  »

Adoptive parents: from dream to reality

In legal jargon, an adoption is the « creation by judgment of a filial bond between two persons who, as far as blood is concerned, are generally strangers to each other » (1). From a psychologist’s point of view, the reality is quite different: « When a mother adopts, she is not taking on a child, but a problem« , as Winnicott put it. Contrary to certain clichés that elevate adoption to the level of a fantastic human adventure, the British psychoanalyst stressed, in his book Two adopted children. The child and the outside world (2), the difficulties inherent in adoption.

« Adoptive parents may find it difficult to reconcile their perceptions of childhood and the child with the reality of the adopted child, » explains Catherine Sellenet, professor of education, doctorate in sociology and associate researcher at the Centre de recherches Éducation et Formation (CREF) Paris Ouest Nanterre. Who are these adopted children really? They are often older children, already familiar with cultural practices, who may suffer from emotional and linguistic uprooting, attachment disorders, traumatic experiences and abuse. As a result, their development may deviate from the norm, making it difficult for them to attend school. « continues the researcher. Contrary to appearances, parents’ desire for protection and comfort is neither inevitable, infallible nor unshakeable.

Certain contextual factors specific to adoption, such as the child’s defensive behavior, administrative tribulations, cultural differences, or the waiting time between the start of the approval procedure and the actual adoption, can greatly weaken the desire of these future parents.  » Too much emphasis has been placed on the qualities required of adopters. Or rather, it has been done without associating it with systematic help offered to these future adopters to make them better able to make contact with children who themselves do not dare to take the risk of becoming attached once again. In an article entitled « Adoption, les apports de la théorie de l’attachement »(3), Nicole Guedeney and Claire Dubucq-Green, child psychiatrists at the Institut Montsouris’s Department of Child and Youth Psychiatry, point out the need to « assess future adopters ». Assessing future adopters, yes. But support them, too. « Let’s face it, Marie’s adoption adventure wasn’t ideal. During a consultation, a psychiatrist even told me in no uncertain terms that we would never be her parents, only her educators. What’s more, when she was 7 or 8 years old, Marie once cried out to me, « You stole me! Those words touched me deeply. Parents shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that adopting is the greatest adventure of all! And yet, despite this invisible, biological space between Marie and me, I remain extremely attached to her, as I am to my other two daughters. Marie remains my daughter, in a profound way « says Simone.

The invisible wounds of the adopted child

On the other side of the mirror, the adopted child’s feelings are just as complex as those of his or her adoptive parents, if not more so. The question on the minds of psychologists, psychiatrists and those who work with adopted children is that of attachment. How can a child who has invested in and become attached to a person who has cared for, protected and nurtured him or her for a few months, or even a few years, ever become attached again to another person? While each adoption is unique, certain factors, such as the child’s age at the time of adoption, are decisive in the child’s adaptation to his new family. According to attachment theory, the first nine months of life are necessary to build and choose one’s main attachment figures. In the case of early adoption, before the age of 7 months, the child has not yet formed an attachment figure. His adoptive parents will naturally occupy this place of honor. But in the case of late adoption, the situation becomes more complicated. And for good reason: the child is required to break the attachment bond he or she has previously built with someone – a nurse, a foster parent, a nursery nurse, for example – in order to form a brand-new one with a stranger. The child will have to give up one bond for another, one « family » for another, one known world for another, unknown one.  » These children don’t arrive untouched, ready to attach themselves to new parents. On the contrary, they may have developed a distrust of anyone who is supposed to protect them. « Nicole Guedeney and Claire Dubucq-Green. The situation is all the more risky when it comes to international adoption, which subjects the child to a sudden loss of his or her human, cultural and linguistic roots.

« When you’re adopted, it’s like feeling a great emptiness within yourself, because you have no points of reference. You can’t imagine anything, because you have no basis for comparison. « says Marie. The body of research on adopted children is clear: late adoptees have a significantly higher rate of attachment disorders than early adoptees. These invisible wounds can take the form of a lack of trust in adults, a way of perceiving them as interchangeable, difficulty in looking their adoptive parents in the eye, in tolerating physical contact, their loving care…

An adoption is considered to have gone badly when « .emotional ties are in conflict, and daily life becomes impossible in all areas, including education, school and relationships. The crisis can lead to the adoption being called into question and the child being placed in a foster home. « says Catherine Sellenet.  » I feel an emotional lack, a kinship that I wouldn’t have. I find it hard to trust others. My relationship with my adoptive parents was complicated. I’ve always kept a physical distance. For example, I wasn’t allowed to kiss them until I was 15. Before that, it was impossible. I sometimes hated them because they made mistakes. But what parent doesn’t? Today, our relationship is quite serene. « says Marie. Simone brings her perspective as an adoptive mother:  » When we adopted Marie, she and her nursery nurse were very attached. They had met when Marie was just ten days old. I feel that Marie has never been able to recreate such a strong bond with me. What’s more, her little sister arrived too quickly – I was pregnant only two months after the adoption. I tried to divide my time between the two of them, to take care of Marie a lot, but I wasn’t able to create a serene bond. Right from the start, I sensed that the bond would be difficult. Why was this? I don’t really know. Despite my best efforts, I wasn’t able to get on very well with her, to be the adoptive mother she needed. I still suffer from it today. And I think the pain is mutual, as if she and I had never found each other. I also noticed that Marie was always ready to leave for another mother, that she disassociated herself more easily than my other daughters would. It was as if she had the power to change mothers.  »