Find this article published in the January-February 2015 parent magazine Infobébés.

Sleep problems in toddlers are one of the main reasons for consulting a doctor. And with good reason: a baby who doesn’t sleep plunges parents into a vicious circle of fatigue and stress. How can you cope?

It’s 4:37 in the morning. For once, your 18-month-old Marie has woken up again. She’s screaming in her bed, causing her ribcage to vibrate and the neighbors to shiver. Your husband, on the other hand, remains unperturbed, snug in Morpheus’ arms. You sigh… With a weary, defeatist air, you decide to get up, suitcases under your eyes, head bowed and hair in disarray. Once in front of your princess’s bed, you hesitate as to what to do next: should I take her in my arms and rock her, at the risk of sacrificing my next hour’s sleep? Should I let her cry and equip myself and my neighbors with the best earplugs ever conceived? Should I concoct a maxi bottle to help her go back to sleep, at the risk of her developing a bad habit? The momentary loneliness and incredible exhaustion numb your thoughts. Finally, you decide to put her to bed. Never mind that your mother-in-law, who eventually learns all about it, is fiercely opposed. All you have to do is avoid the next family meal and enjoy a refreshing lie-in. 5.05 a.m.: you’re on the verge of wistfully dreaming back to the days when you had no children, free to sleep without counting the hours! You mutter: « Clearly, those who use the expression ‘sleep like a baby’ can only be people who don’t have any!

Falling asleep means moving from one world to another!

Everything to do with sleep, whether in children or adults, fascinates, questions and captivates us. Indeed, it has the peculiarity of being terribly uncontrollable and, paradoxically, of occupying a central place in our lives; we who spend almost a third of our existence asleep! And yet, for young children, as for some adults, it’s not always easy to fall asleep. And why is that? Because falling asleep involves a number of not-so-fun stages. First of all, falling asleep means separating. Separating from you, his mommy, but also from his daddy, his brothers and sisters, Medor or Cacahouète, his faithful companions. Above all, it also means leaving a bright, animated world, where people laugh, run and sing, for a dark, solitary and mystical world – the bedroom – where the child finds himself in the dark, alone, facing his anxieties, his dreams and even his nightmares. Not a very appealing prospect for a child!

« Every time I invite people over, it’s the same scenario. Mathéo makes a scene about going to bed. Now that he can walk and open doors, he can’t stop getting up: 1 time, 2 times, 5 times, 10 times, 15 times. I can’t take it anymore! It always ends in tears and screams. This not only sends a chill down the spine of all the guests, but also makes me look like a bad mother… So much so, that for some time now, I no longer invite anyone to dinner. says Muriel, mother of Mathéo, 2 (Montreuil, 93). It’s all the more perilous if your child isn’t aware of the importance of sleep for his mental and physical health. Unlike adults, they’re not going to say to themselves: « Come on, I know I’m having a good time at this party, but tomorrow’s crèche! The last thing I want to do is stay up too late, otherwise I won’t be in shape. So, whether I feel like it or not, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go ». No, even with the best will in the world, the toddler, anchored in the present moment and focused on the loss that going to bed implies, is not capable of such spontaneous reflection. And no, no, no, he’s not acting out, nor is he throwing tantrums! If you consider his reaction illegitimate, you run the risk of creating a power struggle, and delaying that famous bedtime, because the mutual tension will be so palpable.

Encouraging the transition between sleep and wakefulness

The transition between waking and sleeping is a particularly difficult one for your child, so you need to anticipate it, pamper it and cook it just right. Your #1 objective? To smooth the transition between wakefulness and sleep. The smoother and more spontaneous this transition is when you fall asleep at 8:37 p.m., the easier it will be to get back to sleep at 4:37 a.m.. To achieve this, start by equipping your toolbox with bedtime rituals, which should be repeated every night in the same order, at the same time if possible: brushing teeth, kissing, cuddling, cuddly toy, bedtime story, etc. Don’t think that these bedtime rituals are just for your child. Don’t think that these bedtime rituals are just for young children! As adults, we all have our own little rituals that soothe us and predispose us to sleep. Take the test: come back from a night out with friends and go straight to bed, without brushing your teeth, putting on your pyjamas, kissing your partner and/or reading an extract from your favorite novel. You can be sure that, without the rituals that put you in the right frame of mind, you’ll have a much harder time falling asleep! The same goes for the little ones.

Time to go to sleep? Anticipate! Let your child know that he’s about to go to bed. From then on, eliminate any source of (over)stimulation in their environment: try lowering your voice, or even whispering, turning down the lights in the living room, stopping any overly physical activity, inviting your child to relax with a book or a relaxing activity. If you yourself are nervous or anxious, your child, like a sponge, will sense this and find it all the more difficult to drift off to sleep. It’s up to you to set firm but calm limits. Of course, turn off noisy toys and keep screens out of the room for at least an hour before bedtime. The brightness of any screen – TV, tablet, phone, computer, etc. – inhibits his melatonin secretion. – inhibits his secretion of melatonin, the hormone that helps him fall asleep.

What about bad habits?

As you’ve probably noticed, specialists don’t always agree on which educational model works best. And with good reason: it’s not an exact science, and there’s no absolute model that works 100%. The way you accompany your child to sleep is rooted in your own early childhood and culture. The important thing is to be serene, confident and consistent. Should you let your baby cry? In the past, parents were advised to let their baby cry himself to sleep. Today, the opposite is true. Thanks to studies in neuroscience and developmental psychology, we’ve learned that a toddler’s repeated crying and episodes of stress can alter the maturation of certain parts of his emotional brain.

What’s more, the less a toddler is allowed to cry until he’s twelve months old, the more confident he’ll be and the less he’ll cry afterwards. Is your little Janelle waking up at night? Try to reassure her, without stimulating her. Put your hand on her chest, without talking to her or hugging her. If she continues to cry, soothe her in your arms and put her back to bed, still awake but serene. Unless your child is ill (gastroenteritis or fever, for example), avoid offering him a bottle at night! Even if digestion helps your child fall asleep, taking liquids tends to wake him up at night and interfere with the day’s feeding cycle. If this is the case, it’s best to « decondition » him, i.e. to change his habits, after informing him, bearing in mind that it’s quite normal for the transition to be difficult.

On the other hand, sleeping with your child is not in itself a bad habit, even if it has often been criticized by some experts! In many traditional societies, mothers sleep with their babies. It’s hard to fault this practice, which is above all cultural, but you should be aware that it can increase the risk of cot death by a factor of five. So, before indulging in co-sleeping if you feel like it, make sure you respect the safety conditions and adapt your bed to your child. « For a long time, I never dared tell the pediatrician or the professionals at my daughter’s day nursery that I regularly slept with my little flea. I was afraid of their reaction. As a parent, it’s so hard to know what to do. With all the different opinions – from family and friends and experts – and the fear of judgment, I’m lost! » confides Barbara, mother of Sabrina, aged 2 and a half (Gap, 05).

Remember that all the sleep problems you’re currently experiencing are temporary. As your child is still developing, his or her sleep rhythm will continue to evolve and change, day after day, phase after phase, acquisition after acquisition. Sometimes in the wrong direction, often in the right! In any case, even if you’re exhausted, be patient until the next phase. And hand over the reins. And rest!

When should you worry?

« Sleep requirements vary greatly from one child to the next. Broadly speaking, the norms, per 24-hour period, are 16 to 17 hours after birth, 14 hours around the age of one, and 12 hours around the age of 3. It’s a good idea to consult a doctor if your child sleeps below these norms and/or repeatedly displays the following signs: difficult to wake up in the morning, irritable, excited during the day, or on the contrary, sleepy, clumsy, vague-looking, rubbing his eyes, looking for someone to hold him… ».

Josette Joannic, nursery doctor, Nogent-sur-marne (94).

The less I slept, the less he slept

« Some time after the birth of my son, I went through a very difficult phase. I was psychologically and physically exhausted. My boss put a lot of pressure on me during the day, and my son woke up several times a night. I noticed that the more stressed I was, the less I slept, and the more my son woke up. Since then, I’ve changed jobs and started working at 80%. I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence: but I feel more relaxed, and my son is sleeping through the night!

Johanna, mother of 18-month-old Tony (Fontainebleau, Seine et Marne).

Nightmare or night terror?

3 to 10% of children, mainly boys, are affected by night terrors, which are much less frequent than nightmares. Nevertheless, it’s important to identify them. While nightmares occur in the second half of the night, night terrors are more likely to occur in the first half. The child’s eyes are wide open, as if terrified, he’s screaming and not seeking physical contact. In this case, don’t wake him up, but remain at his disposal if necessary. Many children don’t remember this episode the next day.