Read this article published on the Cercle Psy website.
With the very young, emotion takes precedence over words. So how do you talk to them? At what pace does their understanding of events evolve? Are there any taboo subjects? Interview with Marie-Noëlle Clément, psychiatrist, psychotherapist and author of » Comment you? Knowing how to talk to toddlers (Éditions Philippe Duval, 2013).
What does a young child understand about a complex situation, such as the divorce of his parents, or the death of his grandfather?
The youngest children, up to the age of 2, can’t understand much in the way of substance. But they do have a form of perceptive intelligence that enables them to grasp with extraordinary acuity any kind of change in their daily lives or in the moods of those around them. If, for example, someone in the family dies, they can’t grasp the content of this event. But they sense that the family atmosphere has changed, that their parents are sad, less available to play or communicate. And that’s why you can’t just pretend nothing’s happened! Babies structure their relationship with the world through the relationships they maintain with the adults who care for them: they gradually link the situations they experience with the words adults use to name the events and emotions that accompany them. If we decide to wait until the child is fully understood before talking to him, then we can put off the deadline indefinitely, because life situations are often so complex that we can always hide behind this argument to say nothing about them. And then, talking to children about everything that concerns them, from an early age, is also a way for adults to get used to finding the right words and saying them. The exchange between the toddler and those around him thus forms part of a continuum in which the child finds his bearings better and better as the months go by. When a family event, particularly a painful one, is passed over in silence on the pretext that a toddler doesn’t speak, it’s often the case that it won’t be talked about again. Conversely, if it is named, it will continue to be part of family exchanges.
How does a toddler’s understanding evolve over the course of his or her development?
Toddlers first apprehend the world through their sensations, bodily experiences and sensory perceptions. The words of adults gradually come to name and structure this sensory experience, giving it meaning. Then, from the age of 2, children gradually move from a perceptive understanding of the world and events to a narrative understanding: language develops, and they understand words before they can pronounce and use them themselves. Finally, between the ages of 3 and 6, the child’s spatio-temporal reference points become established. He grasps the meaning of adverbs of time and space: « before », « now », « after », « here », « somewhere else », and so on.
Do words have a lesser value for the child than emotions, than the infra-verbal?
That’s right. Children primarily speak the language of the body and emotions, and this is all the more true the younger they are. That’s why, when dealing with a child, it’s particularly important to match your speech to the child’s emotions. This is the famous « real talk » advocated by Françoise Dolto. This means that it’s not a good idea to say you’re happy if you’re sad, even with the laudable intention of protecting the child… because then he won’t know which way to turn!
Generally speaking, a child feels perfectly well when his mother is gloomy, irritated and unavailable. Yet she assures him that all is well: isn’t this troubling? Should he trust his own perception? Should he trust the adult’s word? The younger the child, the less secure he is in building his own bearings, and the more he favors the second option… at the risk of losing all confidence in his ability to understand the world around him, and then, later on, in the word of adults.
Are there any studies highlighting the prevalence of non-verbal communication and emotions over verbal language in babies?
There are studies on « mamanais », the universal form of communication that anyone in a position to care for a baby spontaneously uses. The voice becomes lilting, the vocabulary simplified, with hyperarticulation, vowel accentuation, interrogative or exclamatory forms, and intense affective and mimogestural participation. It is therefore a multimodal form of communication, in which the meaning of the discourse occupies an entirely secondary place. The work of Colwyn Trevarthen, Professor of Child Psychology and Psychobiology at the University of Edinburgh, shows that a baby’s reactions, as measured by the intensity of its vocalizations and body movements, are proportional to the quality and intensity of the mamais used by the adult. If the mother’s voice is monotonous, without prosody, and there is no mimogestual participation, the baby’s « responses » are weak or non-existent. If, on the other hand, the voice produces strong prosodic peaks, and the adult participates with mimicry and body language, then the baby enters the dialogue with vocalizations and body movements. And even when the adult’s stimulation subsides, the baby initially continues to call for the dialogue to continue, vocalizing and locking eyes with the adult, his body still animated by movement.
What kind of words do you recommend for children, in terms of form and content?
The form must obviously be adapted, as it determines the child’s ability to gradually access the meaning of the discourse. Information should be given using simple words, short, affirmative sentences and the present tense, as there is no notion of temporality before the age of 3. Then, it’s a good idea for the adult to get down to the child’s level, as it’s less impressive. Finally, combining words with gestures helps the toddler to understand better, as does exaggerating facial expressions when it comes to naming emotions. It’s best for the adult to have familiarized himself with the situation he’s talking about beforehand, so as not to be overwhelmed by an emotional overflow that could distress the child. And let’s not forget to reassure the child that he or she is not responsible for the difficult situation in question. As toddlers are at the center of their family’s preoccupations, they are inclined to think of themselves as the source of all their parents’ emotions, joys and sorrows.
Isn’t it risky to drown a child in a flood of words?
First of all, it’s not a question of « drowning » the child in words, but of asking how an event concerns him, and what information is useful to him in understanding the changes affecting his life or the moods of those around him. From then on, it’s best to talk to the child in an appropriate way, avoiding excessive detail. Too many words, too many incomprehensible details, are more distressing than reassuring for a toddler. Our children are not our confidants. We don’t talk to them to make ourselves feel better or less guilty, but to help them structure and build themselves in the world. We need to keep our wits about us: silence is deleterious, as is a profusion of information.
How can we tell that a young child who is not yet able to speak is experiencing a situation badly? What are the signs of psychological suffering?
A toddler expresses his suffering through a change in behavior: he’s less playful, more withdrawn, less appealing in terms of relationships. He may become very agitated, as if to draw attention to himself that he no longer perceives as sufficient. Sleep disturbances, appetite problems and separation difficulties may also appear.
Since when do specialists advise parents to talk to their young children?
Talking to children, and especially to toddlers, is a relatively recent preoccupation. This is primarily because, for centuries, the high infant mortality rate made it difficult to invest in them: the first priority was to make sure they lived! In the twentieth century, with the help of medical progress, this concern gradually became less prevalent. Nevertheless, the notion of « subjects » before the age of 3 continued to be debated, until the work of child psychoanalysts made it impossible to question this principle. Françoise Dolto remains the psychoanalyst who radically changed society’s view of the child. The idea of the baby as a person really took hold in the 1970s and 1980s, even if parent-child communication habits took longer to evolve. Today, parents who come for consultations have the idea that it’s important to talk to the youngest, and even to babies, but first they want to be sure and ask why. Secondly, they don’t necessarily know how to go about communicating with a child who has little or no language development.
Given the way mores have evolved, would devoting a book to how to talk to toddlers have been conceivable fifty years ago?
Fifty years ago, social and family organization was still based on a very patriarchal model. Children had little say in family matters, and were not considered entitled to know anything about family life, or life in general.
What’s more, many subjects were « taboo » (see box opposite), particularly those involving questions of filiation. The very principle of talking to children had yet to be conquered, and Françoise Dolto made an enormous contribution in this respect. So a book of this kind would have seemed totally incongruous. It probably couldn’t even have been imagined, because the basic principle had not yet been established.
In your own book, Commentte dire? Knowing how to talk to toddlers You advise parents on how to address their children in a variety of situations (how to tell you that your grandfather has cancer, that your mom is in prison…). In the end, doesn’t this amount to orchestrating an attitude that’s supposed to be natural and intuitive for parents, but in reality isn’t necessarily so?
That’s a very good question, because that’s precisely what I wanted to avoid when writing this book! The aim is to provide essential information on the « why » and « how » of communicating with young people, but in no way to prescribe the content. It’s up to each individual to find his or her own « voice »! However, beyond the useful principles for communicating well with toddlers, I didn’t want to sidestep the question of wording. So, for each theme I addressed, I took the plunge, making it clear that these are just my words, and that they don’t constitute a « ready-to-say » that would be valid for everyone. Their sole virtue is to show that it is indeed possible to talk to toddlers about everything that concerns them, even the most delicate subjects.
Why do some adults find it so difficult to talk to their young children?
Communicating with a toddler involves a variety of channels: words, the body, and facial expressions that convey emotions. Our desire to communicate with children depends very much on the exchange habits we encountered in our own family during our childhood or adolescence, and on the experience we have of them. But our ability to do so also depends on how we invest each of these communication channels. Let’s start with speech. Some people speak to give information. Others speak even when they have nothing to say: this is what we call the « phatic » function of language, which serves above all to reach out to others, to make sure we’re really together.
Communicating with a young child implies being able to invest this function of language. If we talk about everything and anything, every day, all the time, then it becomes easier to speak up when we have something noteworthy to say. As far as mimogestuality is concerned, which is particularly important with babies, some adults are sometimes inhibited in this area: they may feel more at ease talking to an older child who is already expressing himself verbally. Communicating with the youngest implies being able to rediscover our inner child… It’s not easy for everyone!
But there are some subjects that remain difficult for most of us to broach: these are mainly questions relating to the very essence of existence, namely origin and death. We must first be able to think and formulate things for ourselves before we can pass them on. –