Read this article published in Infobébés magazine in June 2012.

Barely born, a child is already subject to norms: he must sit at such and such an age, hold his fork at such and such an age, pronounce so many words… What if we relaxed the pressure a little?

When it comes to toddler development, there’s no such thing as a perfect rhythm. As for the right tempo, that’s his! And yet, which of you hasn’t compared your little one to the neighbor’s, or dipped your nose into a specialized book to get a better idea of his development? While this is legitimate and expresses a need for reassurance, it’s not always beneficial for either you or your little one. Since his very first smiles, your little wolf has been subject to a host of numerical standards: age of first steps, first word, first time on the potty… So much so that, at the slightest doubt, these figures resurface and lead to questions galore:  » My Arnaud still doesn’t walk, even though he’s going on fifteen months and all the children of the same age are already frolicking!  » worries Ilaria.

Don’t force it!

These concerns can lead you to over-stimulate your child’s development, both motorically and intellectually. And this stimulation is not without risk… For example, don’t hold your little one in a sitting position until he or she is able to do so on his or her own. Unwillingly held in an uncomfortable position, your child will try harder to maintain his balance so as not to fall back, than to pay attention to the richness of his environment or give free rein to his imagination. What’s more, it can interfere with the development of future motor skills, and even make your child dependent on this famous position. Nadège, an assistant in a day nursery, explains:  » Since his mother regularly keeps him in a sitting position at home, little Yannick can’t stand lying down during the day when he’s at nursery. As a result, he cries a lot when he’s on the floor. So much so, in fact, that we’re forced to put him in the bouncer, which isolates him and doesn’t really allow him to discover the toys and friends nearby! « . Similarly, it’s important not to sit him on the potty, from 12 months onwards for example, when he’s still a long way from controlling his sphincters. The risk? Your little one may become so blocked that potty training is delayed, or he may suffer from constipation, anxiety or enuresis when he’s a little older. As you can see, a capacity acquired spontaneously is a more solid capacity. And over-stimulating your little one is more likely to block his development than to encourage him… to live life to the full!

On course for autonomy!

But that’s not all. Over-stimulated, a child quickly becomes dependent on his parents and their approving gaze. So much so, that he no longer ventures into new experiences for his own pleasure, but for his parents’, watching for the slightest gleam of delight in their eyes. And personal satisfaction plays a key role in helping him develop self-confidence and autonomy, while also giving him the desire to progress. In short, everything he’ll need to stand on his own two feet one day! So always make sure that your little one remains in control of his progress. Here’s an example: your little Lucas, who’s lying on the play mat, is trying to roll over onto his stomach. Instead of physically helping him to roll over by rotating his body, it’s better to encourage him to manage on his own: « Go on, Lucas, Mummy’s here, you can roll over on your own!

Your child is unique!

So relax! Keep in mind that these developmental standards are only indicative, that your little one is unique and will develop at his or her own pace. Mothers of large families, who are true specialists, will be sure to tell you:  » Léo, my first, didn’t get on all fours until his first year. At the time, inexperienced as I was, I was worried sick! Then, at the same age, I remember that his little sister Claudia took her first steps. As for Paul, the youngest, he amazed everyone by moving around on his own as early as three months old! The diversity of their development has always amazed me… « says Marie-Bénédicte, mother of three. Bear in mind that a toddler’s development is rarely very homogeneous: it’s common for one skill to struggle to develop to the benefit of another. For example, a child may be ahead in motor skills – taking his first steps quickly – and slightly behind in language skills – taking his time to say his first words. But understanding that your little one is unique, for better or for worse, doesn’t mean you can’t subconsciously expect him to be « normal », if not « ahead of the game ». But why? If you’re a mom, why not ask yourself that question?

Perfect baby = great mom

Yes, you’re not just worried, you’re also looking for the perfect baby. From the moment you become pregnant, you unconsciously hope that your baby will be the most beautiful and the most intelligent. At birth, your child becomes your « narcissistic mirror ». While its imperfections evoke your own imperfections, its virtues evoke your own virtues. As Aurélie, mother of 2-year-old Léa, explains:  » I was personally very proud to learn that my little Léa was the first in the nursery to spontaneously ask for the potty! So, if you feel deep down that your child’s need for stimulation is really excessive, try to understand why. Indeed, since your little one’s childhood indirectly evokes your own childhood, some of you may be expressing a desire to « make amends ». In this case, it’s not the child himself, but his mother.  » I had more trouble than my sisters learning to read, something my parents kept telling me. Now that I’m a mother, I sometimes feel I have to prove to others just how intelligent my daughter is… So I cover her with educational toys and make her repeat grown-up words over and over again. « says Stéphanie, mother of Gabriela (3). Remember, the perfect baby doesn’t exist, just as the perfect mother doesn’t exist. And that’s just as well, isn’t it? On the contrary, cultivate your little one’s difference and all those little details that make him unique, and that will later forge his personality. He’s perfect in his imperfection! Of course, there are certain warning signs that should encourage you to consult a specialist.

In short, there’s no need to try to fit your little one into a box, or to train him to become a Super Baby! On the contrary, listen to his needs and respect his rhythm. And you’ll find… he’ll be all the more serene for it!

Consultant: Kevin Walter, clinical psychologist for children and adolescents in Paris.