Read this article published in Infobébés and Infocrèche magazines.

Most of the time, you can quickly learn to deal with your child’s little emotional disorders. But what do you do when you feel really overwhelmed? A shrink? Wow, that’s scary!

During the first few springs of life, a child’s discomfort is mostly expressed through the body: difficulty falling asleep, repeated vomiting, potty training not yet acquired or suddenly lost… Fortunately, the development of language will gradually enable him to express himself more explicitly, much to the delight of his parents. One thing’s for sure: there’s nothing more frustrating than not understanding your child’s discomfort! The miracle solution? There isn’t one. And the subtitles of these worrying manifestations vary from one child to the next. In certain cases, consulting a psychologist can prove beneficial, as this professional will help you to better address and understand your little one’s discomfort…

What is a shrink?
No, the shrink isn’t that immovably silent individual who stares at you from behind bifocals! His role? To help you decipher your pooch’s difficulties and answer your questions. His tools? Listening, talking, an analytical mind and an in-depth knowledge of the psychological problems facing Baby and his parents. It’s rare for him to invite a child under the age of five to draw. However, in case of doubt, and with your agreement, he can use a « test » to better assess his development. Wondering if your little one needs a shrink? The very fact that you’re asking is already a positive sign. It shows that you’re a mom who listens to his problems. Trust yourself and consult a therapist as soon as you feel he’s in pain.
Let’s go for the very first consultation…

How does the first interview go?
This first meeting with the specialist will be an opportunity for you to express your child’s difficulties to an outside expert, and for your child to try to understand his or her discomfort and interpret his or her difficulties. The duration varies according to the child’s age. However, it rarely exceeds one hour, otherwise your child is likely to become impatient! His first step? Take stock. The psychologist will ask you a few questions about your little one’s past and present: living habits, age of first steps, age of first intentional smile, quality of sleep, value of exchanges with parents and peers, etc. One thing leads to another, and the psychologist will try to make links, put forward hypotheses and submit his or her interpretations to you. Some of these interpretations will speak to you more than others, and will help you make progress in your own thinking. From the age of three, or even three-and-a-half, your child can even be seen alone.

Isn’t my child too young for this?
And since psychologists work as a team with you, and a child’s difficulties can arise at any stage of development, there’s no minimum age for consulting a psychologist. Some questions may even arise during pregnancy! It’s not necessary for your child to know how to speak. The psychologist will not focus on the child’s language, but on his or her life as a whole. For example, the psychologist will try to understand your child’s daytime activities to better deal with night-time difficulties, or the child’s relationship with his or her parents to better deal with the difficult separation, and so on. On the other hand, don’t be fooled into thinking that regular meetings with a specialist will « complicate » things even more in his little head. The specialist’s primary objective is to solve a problem and bring relief to an individual. In any case, rest assured that a psychologist won’t find problems where there aren’t any. That’s just another prejudice! As for the length of the treatment, it can be very brief, lasting from a few sessions to several weeks. This is a far cry from psychoanalysis for adults. Generally speaking, keep in mind that the sooner you consult a therapist, the less time your little one’s difficulties will take, and the sooner they’ll have a chance to fade away. Yes, a month of life is far from having the same value for a five-month-old baby as for a five-year-old child or a fifty-year-old adult!

Are we going to talk about my little one… or about me?
However, the younger your baby is, the more important a role you’ll play in his or her development, and the more personally involved you’ll be in his or her therapeutic care. Donald Winnicott, a famous British psychoanalyst, was quick to point out that « there is no such thing as a baby in itself. There is a baby and someone with him ». For the first few months of your child’s life, you are the physical and emotional environment that will enable him to develop and exist in his own right. In other words, you are « inseparable ». So the psychologist will surely pay as much attention to your child as to you. But don’t feel judged! This practitioner is familiar with the many issues associated with motherhood and parenthood. And nobody ever said being a mother was easy! This discussion forum will be an opportunity for you to confide in him/her, to talk about the difficulties you’re facing as a mother and a woman, and even to get some advice. The specialist may invite you to reflect on some of your habits or beliefs. However, he or she will only undertake this kind of reflection if you yourself are inclined to do so.

And what about dad?
And… when you say mom, you of course say dad. It’s important for him to be involved and present at consultations, at least from time to time. If it’s impossible for both of you to attend at the same time, don’t hesitate to alternate. If the father doesn’t agree, that’s okay too. His absence will not hinder the therapeutic process. It’s very common for mothers to consult on their own, without their partner knowing. Give her some time. Perhaps you can include him in the treatment a little later, when he feels ready. Dad’s presence is therefore important, but not indispensable.

Who to consult and at what cost?
Now that we’ve covered all the bases, it’s time to take the next step: finding a psychologist and scheduling an appointment. Between these two steps, moms often need time to work things out for themselves. This is beneficial in the sense that it will help you feel confident on the big day. From this point on, new practical questions emerge: where can I find a good psychologist? And at what price? For the first time, it’s best to contact a public service specializing in early childhood, such as a PMI (Protection Maternelle et Infantile) center. For more information, contact your local town hall. And, of course, don’t hesitate to talk to your paediatrician, who remains your first point of contact. You should also know that every public nursery has a psychologist on hand. Although he or she is only present part-time and can’t see you for a consultation, he or she can advise and guide you. You have two options: consult a psychologist working in a public facility (in which case the consultation will be free of charge), or contact a private psychologist highly recommended to you. How much does a consultation cost? It varies according to the practitioner, his or her location – prices climb in big cities – and your income. You should expect to pay between 45 and 70 euros for a consultation. Please note that most mutual insurance companies do not reimburse the cost of consultations.

Psychologist or child psychiatrist?
The main distinction between these two practitioners is that the child psychiatrist can dispense medication, whereas the psychologist cannot. But this doesn’t make much difference, as medication is rarely prescribed for children under five. The most important thing is that you choose an experienced and competent professional, male or female, with whom you feel comfortable. Don’t let a negative experience stay with you, and don’t hesitate to change practitioners if you feel the need.

How to prepare for the first consultation
For your part, do your best to identify your child’s day-to-day difficulties, and start thinking about the questions the psychologist might ask you. As for your little one, simply explain that you’re going to see someone who can help you better understand what’s going on inside him. However, you’re the only one who’s apprehensive about this consultation. As your child is a spontaneous person, he’ll be able to adapt without difficulty, especially as he won’t be physically handled as he would be at the pediatrician’s.

The second time was the charm!
When Jérôme was two years old, I consulted a shrink about his sleeping difficulties. But the feeling didn’t go down well, and I didn’t feel helped at all. My son didn’t seem to mind. A friend advised me to « bounce back » and referred me to his sister’s therapist. A 180-degree turn! Not only was I more at ease, but the shrink also put her finger on some important points. Since then, I’ve rethought the organization of my bedtime rituals, and things are much better…
Amélie – Lommoye (78)

Consultant: Jacqueline Wendland, doctor of psychology, psychotherapist and lecturer in early childhood psychopathology (Boulogne-Billancourt, 92).