Read this article published in Infobébés and Infocrèche magazines.
Bites between children are still the talk of the town! Not only are they recurrent, they also leave adults at a loss. So much so, that parents of biters and bitten children find themselves up against a wall… Welcome to the wonderful world of our little angels!
Mathéo carefully stands up on his two little legs. With a keen eye, he staggers slowly but surely over to Enzo, his playmate. And « snap! He bites his arm. Surprised, the other child starts to whimper, his eyes riveted on the adult. This episode, quite banal in itself, is an inherent part of everyday life for toddlers. And despite its recurrence, it continues to raise questions. The ideal reaction? It doesn’t exist. Each of you reacts differently, depending on your own sensitivity and history. However, a brief deciphering of the situation will help you to deal with it better on the big day. Why does a child bite? How does a bitten child feel? What to say, what to do? And above all, when should you worry?
A way to express yourself
For toddlers, the mouth is an organ for discovering the world, a sort of third hand that enables them to explore their surroundings and environment. From birth, a child puts everything in its mouth! As early as 6 or 7 months, you bring your face close to his and he’ll try to bite the tip of your nose. Grandma gives him a cute stuffed dog? No doubt he’ll happily nibble the tips of its ears! Unfortunately, he may also bite one of the young children within his reach. But don’t panic! At this age, biting is not synonymous with aggression, since the intention was not to hurt. For a toddler, biting can simply be a way of expressing himself and relieving a moment’s tension caused by hunger or fear. So rest assured: just because your child bites his playmate at one year old, it doesn’t mean he’ll be the neighborhood bully by the time he’s twenty! Growing up also means learning to manage frustrations.
Let’s turn now to the bitten child… Unless the biting child is equipped with tyrannosaurus teeth, the bitten child risks little other than being very surprised. » Some parents panic when they see the red mark on their child and feel attacked, even though the child himself has long since moved on, » says Sandra, a nursery assistant. The bite makes you wonder: why him? Perhaps simply because he was within reach of… teeth. Children most vulnerable to bites are generally less mobile and more passive in a given context. The little Livio sitting on the carpet leafing through a book is easier to reach than the friend who’s having fun chasing pigeons. However, don’t worry: just because your child let himself be bitten at one year old, doesn’t mean he’ll become a bully forever! With time, he’ll learn to spot the threat and defend himself. In the meantime… it’s up to you!
How to react?
Whether your child bites or is bitten, you need to keep calm and play it down. Above all, it’s important not to stigmatize your child as an « aggressor » or a « victim », otherwise he or she may identify with it. What’s more, don’t give in to your first instinct, which might be to scold or punish a biting child, or even bite him back! The violence of this reaction risks exacerbating his frustration rather than defusing it… Remember that gentleness is the best antidote to violence. Encourage the biter to express his frustration in another way: » You can say you’re angry or upset. But remember, it’s forbidden to hurt others. « . If your child has been feeling particularly edgy lately, don’t hesitate to cultivate soothing activities with him/her, such as reading, singing, drawing or massage.
Finally, don’t forget that you’re still her adult role model! So, in his presence, always remain relaxed, whether you’re in conflict with the eldest who just got a zero at school, or with your spouse who forgot your birthday again! Finally, bear in mind that a little biter one day may very well be bitten another day… In fact, on the bitten child’s side, the « trauma » of the bite will depend in large part on the meaning you attach to it. So it’s important to stay calm. First of all, explain to him that he wasn’t the target of the bite. This child didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just that at the time he was very angry and didn’t know how to react. « . Then make it clear that he doesn’t have to let you bite him either: » You don’t have the right to hurt other children, just as they don’t have the right to hurt you. This goes both ways « .
Dealing with adults too
There are two possible scenarios: either the bite occurred in your presence and that of the other child’s parent (at the park, at home, at a friend’s house), or in the presence of the professional alone (at the nursery or nanny’s home). If your child has been bitten, it’s important to consider the facts calmly, without putting pressure on the adult. In the first case, simply inform him/her that his/her child has just bitten yours, and calmly ask him/her to be more vigilant. In the second case, ask the professional about the context: » Has my child been crying a lot? Are you able to comfort him easily? Is this a child with whom he usually plays well? « . Don’t decide on the spur of the moment to lodge a complaint against the other parent, as some do! A situation that has arisen at the nursery remains the responsibility of the nursery staff and should be dealt with on the spot. Conversely, if it’s your child who has bitten one of his friends, it’s important that the parent or professional feels that you attach importance to the bite. Apologize to the parent concerned and gently reframe your child in his or her presence. Childcare professionals are usually hard hit when a child bites repeatedly, because everything that happens during the day is their responsibility. This leads them to revisit their practice and daily organization in an attempt to separate the children concerned. The risk is that the biting child is stigmatized by the team, to the extent that as soon as a child starts crying, the professionals say to themselves: » Oh, he’s the one who bit again! But this isn’t always the case… Ask the professional for some details about the before and after of the bite: » At what time of day did this happen? Was my child hungry? Was he particularly tired? « . Decoding the context will help you better understand your child’s reaction. You should also know that your childminder or nanny is bound by professional secrecy and is therefore not authorized to communicate the name of the biting child to the parent of the bitten child. But beware: although these bites are benign and typical of a period in your toddler’s life, there are certain signs that should give you cause for concern…
As you can see, bites between children are part of everyday life for young children and their parents. Your aim is not to avoid them, but to help them. To do this, you’ll need to be gentle, methodical and optimistic!
Julie bites more and more often!
« Since the birth of her sister, my fifteen-month-old Julie has been biting more and more of her friends at nursery. I’m half-surprised by this, as I haven’t been feeling up to it for some time now. As a result, my stomach’s always in knots when I come to pick her up in the evening: I’m afraid of what the auxiliaries are going to tell me, and I shun the other parents with my eyes. I don’t want people to think I’ve brought her up badly! Françoise, Fontenay-aux-Roses (92).
My son has been bitten again!
« This is the second time this week that I’ve picked Fabio up from the childminder with bite marks on his forearm. It hurts me so much to know that he suffered when I wasn’t there to comfort him! I feel like I’m blaming the whole world: the nanny, the child in question and also his parents, who do nothing to discipline him. As if that would make me feel better… ». Colette, Gap (05).
« If the situation repeats itself, we must try to understand why.
After the age of two, access to language enables the child to express and release his tension in other ways, such as tantrums. If your child continues to bite repeatedly, try to understand the reason, and turn to the helper or nanny: « What time of day does he bite the most? Does he bite a particular child? How is he with other children the rest of the time? Conversely, it’s also legitimate to worry and talk about it if your child is bitten repeatedly.
Consultant: Jacqueline Wendland, Doctor of Psychology, psychotherapist and lecturer in early childhood psychopathology at Paris Descartes University (92).