Find out more about this survey published in Le Cercle Psy magazine.

The source of many preconceived ideas, crying babies have plunged parents into incomprehension and helplessness for generations. Yet scientific research has taught us a great deal about the subject.

The crying of babies and children has always been a source of deep concern and incomprehension for adults (parents, experts and early childhood professionals). Many of them have wondered how to react: should they systematically comfort or ignore the child, leave him in a deckchair or hold him, consider crying as a sign of immaturity, physical suffering or a « whim »? In fact, crying is one of the main reasons for consulting specialists, with pediatricians and psychologists leading the way. Unfortunately, these specialists are often no better informed than the parents themselves. Few of their theoretical training courses include a module on children’s crying. In such cases, each parent has his or her own personal convictions and opinions. One thing leads to another, and unfounded and not always judicious advice is regularly given on the basis of preconceived ideas. It’s a fact that practitioners’ opinions on crying, which are often moralistic and psychologizing, are rarely based on scientific findings, but rather on interpretations and projections. And yet, research on crying has been carried out in many disciplines, including psychology, neurobiology and anthropology. So it’s not for want of having a wealth of current knowledge under one’s belt. The aim of this article? It’s twofold: to give you an update on our scientific knowledge of crying, and to make you aware of another way of reacting.

Perpetuating conventional wisdom

It’s hard to discuss the problem of crying babies without mentioning the countless preconceived ideas that have surrounded them for generations.

• First of all, « colic ».

In her article entitled « Un autre regard sur les pleurs du nourrisson »[1], Gisèle Gremmo-Feger, pediatrician at the CHU de Brest, reminds us that many (too many) practitioners see prolonged crying as the consequence of organic disturbances of essentially digestive origin. In the 1950s, « infantile colic » was (arbitrarily) defined by the rule of three. For colic to be diagnosed, the child must cry for more than three hours a day, more than three days a week and for more than three weeks[i]. None of the many treatments offered to babies has really proved its effectiveness in randomized trials. Perhaps this is because, in reality, the majority of children do not suffer from gastrointestinal disorders? A view shared by many specialists.

• Whims, the sign of manipulation.

When crying isn’t described as colic, it’s seen as a sign of child « manipulation », a « whim » to which it’s best not to respond, or risk becoming a slave to this tyrant and persecutor (or almost). In fact, children who don’t cry much are often referred to as « wise ». In Europe, during the Middle Ages, babies who cried too much were exorcised, as they were considered to be possessed by a demon.

• A language

Another common misconception is that crying is regularly identified as language. This postulate of crying = language, still communicated in health booklets today, is erroneous. The idea of language includes a voluntary action on the part of the sender (the baby, in this case). However, neurobiological research has repeatedly confirmed that children are not capable of crying in a voluntary, controlled way to call out to those around them. Crying is not triggered by the cortex, the higher brain – in other words, voluntarily – but by primitive brain networks that cannot be influenced.

• A sign of weakness and vulnerability

Finally, for some, crying is a sign of weakness and vulnerability. Little boys are quickly conditioned not to cry: « I’m proud of you, son, you didn’t even cry when you fell » (interestingly, most adults apologize when they start to cry…). For others, crying is a sign of pain and distress. We then try to stop them, whatever it takes, with a pacifier, a nursery rhyme, the breast, rocking… All these preconceived ideas have one thing in common: we don’t accept that a baby needs to cry.

Silencing those cries at all costs

When listening to cries, most adults, whether professionals or parents, are spontaneously moved to stop the crying. Everyone develops strategies to divert the child’s attention, right from the first day of life. It may be singing a song, putting a pacifier in his mouth, offering him the breast, taking him for a walk, giving him his cuddly toy, complimenting him, making him laugh, creating an effect of surprise… And yet.., « It would never occur to a psychotherapist to use this kind of procedure with a crying patient: turn on the radio, show him a magazine, give him a sweet, tickle him… but apparently we don’t mind doing it with a baby ». points out Eric Binet, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist specializing in psychotraumatology and Doctor of Educational Sciences, in his article « Crying in early childhood: a question of attachment? »[3]. As the psychotherapist points out, the problem is not the pacifier or doudou per se, but the fact that the adult forces the child « to find the only resource of consolation » in objects that « express no empathy, no benevolence, no love ».

Other adults may react to crying with physical violence (locking the child in, slapping him, shaking him) or psychological violence (shouting at him, making him feel guilty, threatening to stop holding him if he continues to cry). All these reactions and negative representations reflect a real intolerance on the part of adults towards babies’ crying. And with good reason: babies’ crying tends to arouse very unpleasant physical reactions in us: a feeling of oppression, headaches, muscle tension, a lump in the throat, a desire to scream, to rock him hard, to shake him…

When faced with a crying child, we can feel powerless, frustrated, guilty and vulnerable. To relieve ourselves, many of us make pejorative judgments about the child and his or her emotions: « I know you’re crying on purpose to make me feel guilty », « stop your tantrums, they don’t work with me », « I saw before I came into the room that you weren’t crying, you’re a comedian ». Conclusion: it’s not our fault, it’s his. Besides, it’s not real crying, so everything’s fine.

Is crying a powerful stress reliever?

It’s not uncommon to find that children’s crying is not necessarily linked to the dissatisfaction of a physiological need such as hunger or sleep. Far from it. In many cases, crying is simply a need to be held in an adult’s arms, to be comforted, to be recharged with emotional nourishment. But that’s not all. Parents and professionals often ask: « Even though I’m holding him, he’s eaten well, slept well and is obviously in no pain, he still cries. Why? Because crying allows the child to release stress toxins, in the same way as shaking, yawning, sweating, laughing or shouting in anger.

William Frey, a biochemist at Minnesota’s Saint Paul-Ramsey Medical Center who specializes in the lacrimal system, has identified the presence of adrenaline and noradrenaline, two stress substances, in human tears. In his research, he compared tears of irritation (triggered by onion fumes) and tears of emotion (triggered by watching a very sad film), and found that the concentration of stress-related substances was much higher in tears of emotion than in tears of irritation. The elimination of these substances would, in fact, attenuate the excitation of the sympathetic nervous system, enabling us to move from a state of stress to one of relaxation.

« Crying creates physiological stimulation followed by deep relaxation. It’s a very effective way of reducing psychological tension, lowering blood pressure and heart rate, » suggests Aletha Solter, a Swiss-American psychologist with a doctorate in psychology from the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of « Pleurs et colères des enfants et des bébés. Understanding and responding to your child’s emotions »[4]. The evacuation of these substances would enable the child (and adult, of course) to re-establish a physiological balance, a homeostasis. Researcher Panksepp [4 bis], for his part, hypothesizes that crying promotes the release of certain endogenous opioids, which may have analgesic, pain-reducing and mood-alleviating effects.

In children, crying in the wake of emotional stress (morning separation, parental quarrelling, adult irritability…) is said to be all the more liberating when the energy expended is high. When a child cries, his whole body jerks, he arches his back, his legs and arms move impulsively and haphazardly.  » We adults would probably behave in the same way if emotional displays weren’t considered socially unacceptable, » says Aletha Solter.

Why don’t we welcome this crying?

In view of the beneficial effect of crying on children’s physiological balance, one reaction is obvious: accompany crying rather than repress it. And to avoid giving approval only when the child is happy and smiling. As early as 1989, in her book for parents « Holding Time »[5], Martha Welch, Associate Professor of Psychiatry in the Department of Pediatrics, Pathology and Cell Biology at the University of Columbia Medical Center[6], presented the benefits of hugging to accompany a child’s crying. This consists of three phases: confrontation with the adult, rejection (when the child struggles) and resolution (the child, no longer struggling, relaxes and remains curled up in the adult’s arms). Few children have ever had the opportunity to cry their hearts out in the caring arms of an adult.

In her book, Aletha Solter provides adults with practical guidance on how to deal with a child’s crying that is not related to the unsatisfaction of a physiological need (hunger, sleep, pain…). « Take the child in your arms (…). If his eyes are open, look into his eyes. Hold him calmly, without shaking or rocking (…). Breathe deeply and relax (…). Say: « I’m going to stay with you. You can cry if you like ». Gently caress his arms or face to reassure him of your physical presence. Stay with your baby and continue to hold him tenderly until he stops crying himself ». .

Eric Binet reminds us that « consoling » a child does not imply stopping his or her crying, but rather giving attention and relieving tension. In this respect, a baby who is allowed to cry to his heart’s content in the reassuring arms of an adult tends to cry less than other children, and to enjoy a more peaceful sleep. « He doesn’t fall asleep crying, wake up crying or startle at the slightest noise ».

The most complex part of this story is not to accompany a child’s crying, but to adopt a practice that goes against our most deeply held beliefs. Let’s face it: yes, crying is good for your health. And even for babies! As long as you support them…

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A lack of prevention

There is virtually no scientifically-based information on crying available to families, and no nationwide prevention program. Yet crying remains a predominant factor in child abuse, neglect and death during the first year of life. 80% of parents who have abused their child confide that prolonged crying led to the violence.

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Western babies cry more than others!

The question of infant crying has been widely debated in ethnology. It has been repeatedly reported that Western babies cry more than their counterparts raised in traditional societies. Why is this? Because in our societies, parents are advised to let babies sleep on their own, not to respond systematically to their cries, and not to hold them in their arms. Apparently, this « distal » mothering leads to longer-lasting crying. Interestingly, in Korea, no child seems to suffer from colic[7]. At the same time, Korean babies spend only 8.3% of their time alone, compared with 67.5% for North American babies. Mother-baby proximity is clearly favored, day and night. « Need we remind you that this way of life, and the type of mothering that goes with it, has prevailed for over 99% of human history? The solitude of infants that characterizes Western cultures is (…) probably ill-suited to the overall immaturity and biologically determined expectations of babies, » stresses Gisèle Gremmo-Feger.

[1] Article online on the Co-naître website. Conference held on June 24, 2007 at the ^15th Congrès National de Pédiatrie Ambulatoire in Saint-Malo.

[2] Lereboullet, P. (1941). Manuel de puériculture. Paris: Masson.

[3] Binet, E. (2014). Crying in early childhood: a question of attachment? Impacts et accompagnement. Métiers de la petite enfance n°214.

[4] Editions Jouvence, 2015.

[5] Simon & Schuster, 1989.

[6] Martha Welch is also a research director in developmental neuroscience and has been a pioneer in the treatment of emotional, behavioral and developmental disorders for over forty years.

[7] Lee, K. (1994). The crying pattern of Korean infants and related factors. Dev Med Child Neurol, 36, 601-7.

[i] Wessel M.A., Cobb J.C., Jackson E.B., Harris G.S. Jr & Detwiler A.C. (1954). Paroxysmal fussing in infancy, sometimes called colic. Pediatrics, 14, 421-35.