Find this article published in the November 2014 parenting magazine Infobébés / Infocrèche.

Crying may punctuate your daily routine and punctuate your child’s development, but its origins are not always well understood. Preconceived ideas are still rife. How about learning to decipher them?

Imagine the scene: it’s a Sunday at the inevitable family luncheon. Your entire family tree is seated around a round table, enjoying your cooking, and giggling at Uncle Franck’s jokes. Suddenly, little Chloé, the youngest member of the family at 8 months old, starts crying. Inconsolable. She has eaten well, slept well and suffers no pain whatsoever, but her sobs fill the air… Each of your guests comes up with his or her own brilliant idea: « Oh no, she’s not going to make a scene again! Where’s the pacifier? » says Auntie Marianne, « What a comedienne, above all don’t give in to her whims, don’t hug her, or you won’t manage to get out of it! » tent cousin Bernard, « Tss, this is definitely the result of a questionable upbringing, it’s time to set some limits for your daughter… » mumbles stepmother Joséphine, « Let her cry in her corner, she’ll calm down eventually, the little one! » says Granny Fernande… Here you are, both you and your daughter, the target of a slew of guilt-ridden, self-righteous and, above all, unfounded reactions, worthy of a nursery manual from the 1930s, when babies were little-known. In the last ten years, neuroscientists have made important revelations about the development of the child’s brain. How about a 2.0 update?

Crying is not a whim!

When it comes to crying, preconceived ideas are still rife in the ^21st century, as if we had all remained impervious to advances in scientific research. What’s even funnier is that this type of misconception can be found in all walks of life: from families of all generations, through the media, to early childhood professionals themselves… It’s time to set the record straight: no, a crying child is not acting out a whim, nor is he or she being naughty or manipulative. A child always cries for a reason, even if that reason is unknown or underestimated by the adult. From a developmental point of view, a young child just isn’t capable of carrying out such a thoughtful or reasoned action. Crying on command would require extraordinary skills, which he doesn’t have. For the record, his crying is initiated by autonomous parts of his brain that he is unable to control.

By the way, no, a child won’t « get used to arms »! On the contrary, studies in developmental psychology show that the more quickly and appropriately we respond to a baby’s cries and screams, the more confident and autonomous he or she will be by the age of one. So, crying is pretty much a misperception. There’s no doubt that many parents and professionals find it difficult to accept that a child cries. And with good reason: crying brings with it a myriad of unpleasant emotions and physical sensations in your body and mind: tension, stress, frustration, a feeling of oppression, sometimes even an accelerated heart rate, chills and even the urge to cry.

Warning signs thousands of years old

To cheer you up, remember that crying is really useful! First of all, it frees the child’s body from certain toxins, such as perspiration and urination. As with adults, babies may need to cry to relax, to move from a state of stress to one of well-being. But that’s not all. Crying is thought to have appeared millions of years ago, since Man became bipedal, i.e. since he moved on two legs. Since then, babies have become ultra-dependent on adults to survive in our world, to eat, to drink, to get around, but also to be cuddled and to feel secure and soothed. That’s right: unlike baby giraffes, who are able to move around within minutes of birth, human babies take several months, so they don’t have the time to stay close to their parents! So, to satisfy their needs and ensure their survival, they emit warning signals – cries and screams – to attract their parents’ attention and create proximity.

For thousands of years, this crying has increased a child’s chances of survival, ensuring that he or she is not forgotten by adults. « I work from home, and take advantage of my little one’s occasional naps to organize telephone appointments with my colleagues. Sometimes I get so caught up in my work that I forget she’s there, until she starts crying! Then, all of a sudden, I’m back in my mom’s hat… » says Sophie, mom of 9-month-old Margaux. If these warning signals are so aversive in nature, it’s precisely to encourage the adults around them to respond more quickly. Yes, if your baby softly hummed a Madonna tune as soon as he had a vital need to satisfy, his parents might be less reactive…! Especially since, let’s face it, a baby has few means of oral expression other than crying and screaming to express his needs. That’s why, since the dawn of time, when faced with a crying child, the adult’s unconditional reaction is to take him in his arms and respond to his need. Quite simply.

Emotional security, a need like any other

Needs, yes, but which needs? Among the needs that a toddler may express by crying are, of course, physiological needs, such as hunger, thirst, the need to be changed, to be cared for, to be relieved of bodily pain, such as toothache, stomach ache or headache. But that’s not all. A very young child may also have emotional needs that parents are less familiar with, such as feeling insecure, stressed, nervous or tired. They don’t « want » to be held by an adult, as we often hear, they « need » it. It’s very different. Let’s take an example: you’re sitting next to your little Mathéo, who’s lying on a playmat, quietly manipulating a toy. The phone rings and you suddenly stand up. Mathéo drops his toy and starts crying, seeking your gaze, his expression upset… This scene is undoubtedly very familiar to you. But would you know how to decipher your child’s reaction? Your sudden distancing has undoubtedly given rise to a feeling of insecurity and stress.

From then on, he’s in a state of alert. This state will activate what we call his « attachment system », meaning that he will spontaneously cry to regain the closeness to the adult he needs to soothe himself. As soon as you return to his level and take him in your arms, you’ll notice that his crying is likely to stop immediately. What does it mean? He’s suddenly invaded by a feeling of security, soothed. His attachment system is immediately deactivated, and he stops crying. Yes, your arms are precious calming agents! What’s more, this physical contact stimulates your child’s little brain to release oxytocin, a key hormone that promotes a feeling of well-being and reduces stress. Beyond holding your child when he cries, what attitude should you adopt?

How do you respond to her crying?

In the young parent’s anti-crying toolbox, there are a few essentials: the comforter, the pacifier, the little song, the book, the good-natured grin that works every time. These are all subterfuges that can divert your child’s attention, release endorphins in the case of pacifier-generated sucking activity, and put a smile back on your child’s face. At least, for a little while. While these are particularly effective, they should be used sparingly, gently and with respect for your child’s rhythm. For example, there’s no question of systematically using the pacifier like a cork, mechanically stopping his sobs. It’s better to accompany his cries, rather than repress them at all costs. Is your little Hugo starting to cry? Check that his physiological needs have all been met and that he’s not suffering any pain. Then give him an unconditional hug and console him. Be careful, consoling a child does not mean interrupting his crying at all costs, but rather giving him attention, and offering him an empathetic, gentle, listening attitude. Respect his rhythm. To help him feel secure when he’s away from you, don’t hesitate to give him regular visual attention, with kind looks, as well as verbal attention, with delicate, serene words. As if, despite the distance, you were maintaining an invisible link, ensuring that his reservoir of love and attention is always full.

Even if it’s a tall order, it’s well worth the effort, as it has so many benefits for the development of your child’s intellectual and emotional brain. And don’t forget that you’ll no doubt regret these moments of closeness when, in 15 years’ time, your little girl, now a teenager, cries on her girlfriend’s shoulder rather than in her mom’s arms…!

To find out more…

« Pour une enfance heureuse » by Catherine Gueguen (Robert Laffont, 2014)

« L’attachement, un lien vital » by Nicole Guedeney (Fabert, 2013).

« Crying in early childhood, a question of attachment? Eclairages théoriques » by Eric Binet (Elsevier Masson, 2014).

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Parents and professionals alike feel powerless

« A child who continues to cry, even though all his needs have been met, puts both the parent and the crèche professional in a position of powerlessness and discomfort. It makes them look like « bad mothers » or « bad professionals ». It’s because crying can be so enigmatic that some professionals find it so difficult to work with babies ».

Gwenaëlle Sion, early childhood educator and deputy director of a day nursery in the Paris region.