Read this article published in the parent magazine Infobébés / Infocrèche in February 2015.

In the 21st century, being sociable and at ease in a group seems to have become a norm, even an ideal. So much so, in fact, that more discreet toddlers who deviate from the rule tend to worry their parents… Rightly or wrongly?

It’s a Sunday. You’re sitting on a bench in a park filled with dozens of children. You see Mathilda, a smiling little girl, happily wandering up and down the space, chatting with the other children. A little boy starts crying right next to her? She runs to fetch his pacifier, puts it in his mouth and strokes his face. A few minutes later, a little girl brings her a pretty red truck. She grabs it, and scurries off to the other end of the park, laughing, to make sure the child is chasing her at all costs. A few moments later, you spot Chloé, a child of the same age, standing back from the group of children. Alone. She’s doing everything in her power to ensure that the sand tower she’s just built doesn’t suddenly collapse. Chloé even takes a dim view of the boisterous children in the vicinity, who are likely to destroy her beautiful work! Decoding the situation? Mathilda seems more sociable, more open and more outgoing than Chloé. She’s more outward-looking, in search of stimulation, and seems to recharge her batteries through contact with other children. In contrast, Chloé is more independent and introverted. Clearly, she draws much of her energy and pleasure from solitude and calm. Which of these two little girls is the most well-adapted? Neither. More sociable behavior is neither better nor worse. It’s just different. And yet, many parents strive to make their children sociable, even to the point of panicking when they turn out to be solitary or discreet…

Is the crèche the perfect place for socializing? No !

It’s a fact: sociability is particularly valued in our Western societies. Whether we’re talking about adults or children, individuals who are too introverted, too discreet or too quiet tend to constitute, for the average person, a kind of second-class personality, evolving in the shadow of more extroverted, more talkative or more expansive people. All too often, discreet adults are relegated to the status of uptight, serious, boring or even associable individuals… ! So much so that many of you, young parents, concerned about the future and your little one’s integration into our society, are anticipating this « openness to others » issue… right from the cradle. The aim? To develop and cultivate sociability, whatever the cost. For many, entry into a day nursery is the key to this. « I have a 3-month-old baby boy, my very first. I don’t see myself entrusting him to a childminder at all. What I want most of all is to get him a place in a crèche: he’ll be stimulated, accompanied and awakened by several professionals. And above all, he’ll grow up with lots of other children his own age. Not only will this daily contact with other children make him more sociable, but it will also help him to learn the rules of community life right from the start… A real opportunity for him! says Barbara, mother of 3-month-old Loïc (Carrières-sur-Seine, 78).

Stop right there! Did you know that this positive reputation of the community, widely held by families, is not universally accepted? Many early childhood professionals are less enthusiastic about the very principle of crèches for very young children. So much so, in fact, that some French cities have decided to do away with the first year of crèche, in the interests of the children. Indeed, at just a few months old, a toddler needs an adult all to himself, or almost all to himself, if he is to evolve in our world and socialize at his own pace. An adult who can hold him, talk to him, feed him, put him to sleep, change him, tell him a story when he needs it, and not when he’s busy with other children… Contact with one or two other children, as might be the case with a childminder or nanny, is more in line with the child’s basic needs, and is more than enough to develop his famous sociability. In any case, it’s important to remember that a child’s socialization process doesn’t start when he or she enters the crèche, but at the very stage when he or she comes into contact with someone other than his or her mom: dad, the little neighbor, the big sister, uncle, granny, cousin… And the list goes on!

Dogs don’t make cats…

Unfortunately, or fortunately, there’s no recipe book for making a child sociable. No matter how many elaborate stratagems you deploy, it’s not 100% certain that your little one will come off as sociable as an extroverted American celebrity on a TV show! First things first. Every child is born with his or her own temperament, which is partly genetically determined. A base on which, I’m sure you’ll agree, there’s little we can do. This is followed by the development, over the course of his or her life, through encounters and experiences, of the famous…. personality, more or less marked by extroversion and sociability. And this personality is influenced by your own personality. As a parent, you’re still his or her first role model! As the saying goes, dogs don’t make cats. « Concerned by my little Manon’s lack of sociability, I went to see the psychologist at the crèche where she was being cared for. I had the impression that she never defended herself in case of conflict, and that she didn’t play much with the other children. During the interview, he asked me if I considered myself to be a sociable person. The answer was… of course not! To be honest, I suffer a lot from my introversion, » says Jacqueline, mother of Manon, 2, and Jules, 5 (Franconville, 95). Indeed, for some parents, expecting their child to be sociable and outgoing when they themselves are not necessarily so, can be a more or less conscious way of compensating, of « repairing » a personality trait that makes them suffer…

Discreet children have their strong points too!

Taratata! It’s time to take a step back and balance the scales: just because your child can’t stand up for himself in a conflict at 3, doesn’t mean he’ll be the company’s whipping boy by the time he’s 33. Similarly, just because your child prefers to stack cubes in a corner of the room by himself at 2, doesn’t mean he won’t be able to make guests laugh at a party or manage a team by 42! Let’s face it: for a toddler, as for an adult, having a taste for solitude and calm is not a sign of pathology, nor a synonym for suffering in society – quite the contrary. Discreet, solitary children also have countless valuable assets. For example, you may have noticed that children who keep to themselves often turn out to be more observant, with a keen sense of situational analysis. And they are often singled out for their great sensitivity and genuine autonomy. All valuable qualities in society. Then, as adults, psychology studies underline that more introverted personalities make excellent leaders and experts in their field, sought after for their wisdom, stability and depth.

As Susan Cain, author of « The power of introverts in an overly talkative world ». (2013, JC Lattès), « Neither e=mc2 nor Paradis Perdu is the work of a party boy! » She continues: « Darwin took long walks alone in the woods and emphatically declined dinner invitations. Steve Wozniak invented the first Apple computer sitting alone in his office. He himself says he would never have become such an expert if he hadn’t been too introverted to leave his house! ». The bottom line: unless your child is cutting himself off from the world and shunning the slightest contact, even with those around him, there’s no need to worry. Especially since a child is rarely 100% introverted or extroverted all the time. The vast majority of them, like us adults, oscillate between the two poles, depending on the context and their mood of the day.

As you can see, there’s no need to worry about your child’s lack of sociability. On the contrary, allow him to assert his personality as it is, rich in assets and awkwardnesses. Neither sociability nor discretion should be denigrated or praised, because neither are qualities or defects. As Oscar Wilde so aptly put it, « Be yourself, everyone else is already taken ». The same goes for toddlers…!

« It’s all about fashion and culture ».

« This fashion for outgoing, sociable personalities is fairly recent. A century ago, even in the United States, introversion was appreciated. English culture was predominant and self-control necessary. Then, with the emergence of industrial globalization, it became preferable to adopt a « winning » attitude to get ahead. However, in some Asian societies, discretion and restraint are still particularly valued. So why not adopt the same attitude here?

Laurie Hawkes, psychologist, co-founder of the School of Transactional Analysis and author of « La force des introvertises. De l’avantage d’être sage dans un monde survolté » Eyrolles, 2013.

« She’s metamorphosed as she’s grown! »

« I’m the mother of a 35-year-old woman, who herself is the mother of 2 adorable children aged 2 and 4. I remember my daughter being very inhibited and introverted as a child. In fact, I was criticized for « brooding » her too much, turning her into a « granddaughter’s granddaughter » who was only comfortable in my presence. Ironically, once she became an emancipated adult, she became an ultra sociable, assertive, popular woman, perfectly at ease in front of an audience. The exact opposite of me! I didn’t recognize her anymore! »

Henriette, mother of Claudia, 35, and grandmother of Mathieu, 2, and Simon, 4. Taverny, Val d’Oise.